#14 The Woman I’ll Never Be

One year ago, I entered a meeting room and told my peers and manager I couldn't continue working there. I did not quit that day by doctor's orders, which I initially thought was stupid to do and to say, but months later, I felt much better about it. Nothing is better than being able to tell you you made a decision, knowing what you were doing, and feeling good about it. I loved my job, but I hated myself for doing something “just” because I was good at it, “just” because I had managed to reach the position I wanted, “just” because I had committed to something, “just” because there were people that considered me a role model. Me. A model…

One year later, I have no desire to crush glass ceilings anymore. I don’t want to be “the one who made it.” It is exhausting. At first, I felt bad about quitting because I was in a position to show other women that anyone can do (almost) anything. Then, I arrived home and saw my daughter. She’s seen me as a working mum for nearly her whole life. She’s often heard how important it is to work to achieve what we want, but I know I failed her. I don’t think I told her times enough how important it is to work to be as happy as possible. I know happiness is tricky; it is not something we can hold in our hands or measure. Happiness is that thing that can wake up with us and move away in the afternoon. Happiness might never touch our lives, or even worse, we might not recognize it when it crosses our path. I didn’t tell my daughter enough that work gives us purpose, pride, money, and position, but it also takes a lot. Somedays, work takes our time, energy, and will to smile or read nighttime stories. Sometimes, we try so hard to become what we are expected to be that we forget how we arrived at that position… when that happens, what’s the point? I spent many years running from home to the office, picking up the kids late at school, feeling guilty if I had to miss a meeting because one of them had a fever, and feeling horrible for traveling instead of having dinner with them. I don’t think I am a role model for a mother. I am “just” another mother and a fortunate one because having a good “partner in crime” allowed me to do everything I wanted… until I did not want to do them anymore.

I am not someone to whom success came suddenly, either. Not yet. I don’t feel I am as good doing what I do now as I was in my previous job (I had twenty years to improve), but I wake up every day with a tremendous will to get better. I think that’s a positive. I am sure that’s good. I don't think I’ll succeed if I don’t do the necessary work. Many people are better than me, more experienced, funnier, sadder, and more adventurous… but many others have told me I am resilient (and stubborn), so I am holding to it. I will never be the polite and patient one. I will work to get what I want.

I’ve been writing for several months, reading and studying, sending query letters, and getting very few responses in return, but I continue. One year later, that’s what I do, in case you were wondering…